attc –
alternative news – third edition – by john hanna
jh: “lu lu! lu lu! lu lu!”
louise (mrs. jh aka
lulu): what? what? what’s happening?
wake up!
jh: oh, i just had
a terrible nightmare…
lulu: “what
was it about?”
jh: “er…nothing…i can’t remember...”
i had lied to my
wife. i could not confess that i had just had a nightmare about lu! lu li! in the dream he had long pips on
both sides and he was looping everything, and every return i hit, i put in the
net!
this is my tribute
to lu li. he came and conquered table 1 at the attc. yes, he conquered but then
suddenly, it all turned out so differently. all the same, we will miss him! (chuckle).
lu: “my
sweetness, i’m going to auburn
to play ping pong now.”
mrs. li: “oh
okay, i know this is your last time.
they don’t know the real reason you’re leaving,
right?”
lu: “i told them
i have new job in the bay area. i didn’t tell them i’m leaving because
i recently lost many matches at auburn.”
mrs. li: “ok
dearest, good luck! i am sure you will win all your games tonight!”
lu: “yes, i
need to beat ‘dr. evil’ (jh).
he got me the last two times,”
mrs. li: “i
wonder if he has a nickname for you.”
lu: “i dunno. he’s cool and he plays well.”
that’s right
‘bruce’ but you get to leave without a third beating in a row from
yours truly!
anyway,
here’s my report.
…ridiculous
long shorts, lengthy time outs, headbands, high-tossed balls, 6’ feet 4”
players - sounds like a scene from the nba. alas, no. it’s the auburn
table tennis club – attc, and this is what it’s all about!
will lu
“bruce” li finish off as the #1 rated player
behind jz?
for the first time
since my return to tt, i found myself as a frustrated observer, with a bad back
(thanks ricky), and legally blind in one eye (the truth is now out). fortunately, i brought my digital camera
with zoom features which was good because group a was playing on table 4. without looking through the zoom, i could
just make out bill, who looked like he was swinging a cat with rigor mortis set
in, and tom, who appeared to be playing without a paddle, due to his whipping
action and flashing backhand drives (aiming for the edge, as usual).
it’s the
fifth game and it’s 2-2 (this is for fred’s benefit). bill is leading 9-7,
and tom attacks with his precise forehand loops and gets even. 9-9. bill to serve. he throws the ball up (about 5 inches-lol) and just as he is about to play his serve, he stops
and catches the ball.
now, let’s
take a moment here. before you read
on, (and i know you want to), the first person to text me (916) 247-7575 to
tell me what should happen next, will win a free trip to england
(excluding flights, rental car and spending money)! your stay will be free! (so long as my
dad agrees). go on, do it!
anyway, bill has
caught the ball in his free hand, and it appears that he was distracted by
anson scratching around the base of the barriers, no doubt in search of the
usatt rules about serving legally…or was he picking up a loose ball? i don’t know, but it was enough
distraction for bill to not serve the ball. he explains this to tom, and then while
tom is responding to bill, “that’s o-” bill lets fly with his
fast long serve, which compares to a can of opened coke that’s been in
the fridge for 2 months –flat. tom just makes it to the ball and
attempts a loop return while muttering the second letter of the word he had
just started to say… “k”. the ball goes long and
hits…the wall! bill plays
dumb. “sorry tom, let’s
(excuse the pun) play that again!”
tom responds “no, that’s o-“ and
before tom can finish, bill serves another fast one, and déjà vu
sets in (ask patrice for translation). the ball flies long again, and hits the
same spot on the wall behind bill, and i hear the letter “k” again
coming from tom’s mouth, moments after the end of the point. game over. “nice job bill,” says tom. what a sport that tom is!
so i see mark
bending over looking for some quarters, sixteen of them to be exact. i start thinking about my friend who has
a sailing boat. he needs a new sail,
so i offer mark forty quarters for his shorts. i’m thinking there will be enough
material for two sails.
meanwhile, larry is
causing some je ne sais quoi in group
b. patrice is throwing the ball
chinese-style, high up towards the stars! some come down faster than he would like
as most are rebounding off the ceiling tiles. larry disputes the legality of the
serves, claiming he cannot see the ball as it passes behind (yes, behind)
patrice’s free arm (pretty much all of it, and here is the proof!).
unfortunately, this is not a legal serve,
but effective if you can get away with it!
fred, you should try it!
in group c, it’s
mick and rick. mick’s playing
quick, and rick is feeling sick. ricky calls for a time-out in the first
game. he leans against the wall and
looks like he is just about to “light up.” his rastafarian headband cushions his
head against the wall, and he starts his meditation.
michael just wants to play on, so tells
ricky to get a move on, and ricky is agitated, and the
godfather of attc starts looking for his violin case. just before the start of handbags
(women’s purses) at 10 paces, president bill casually steps over the
4’ high barriers and intervenes. he explains to michael that ricky is
entitled to call an official time-out for any reason, and he has up to a minute
before play must resume, and it’s important not to speak to him during
his time-out.
six minutes later, ricky has returned
from his retreat to jamaica,
and starts hitting the nit off the taku! he’s on a mission to win, and
almost pulls it off, but goes down 3-2.
hard luck, ricky. it’s hard to adjust to a hardbat
paddle. it’s going to take
hard work, and don’t be so hard on yourself during these hard times. michael; a good result and bonus points!
ok, let’s return
to table 1, where i had earlier predicted that grant would take group a. rumor
has it that he controls the us rubber market, and he now supplies jz! grant takes lu and tom 3-zip, but bill
has been secretly training on monday nights…with grant, and manages to
block-attack grant’s usual loop winners, and prevails 3-zip. note to self: refuse any offers to
practice my best strokes with bill on mondays.
meanwhile, dominic
moon has overcome fred myers 3-2, and against mark, he was advised by the
president, (illegally coaching from the side), to hit to mark’s forehand.
now, recently i have tried to build some confidence into mark’s stroke,
and he succeeded in hitting and winning several points with his forehand, which
must have been pretty painful with $10 worth of quarters stashed in the right
pocket of his shorts! dominic wins
another match 3-2, and stardom now awaits him. he gets kris han 3-2, but david ho proves
too much. but who cares when 83
points have already been amassed by young dominic!
billy t in group b
has his best night to date. first
of all, he removes his cap, which reveals hair! we were all wondering what was under his
hat.
now he looks like a tt player, and losing
3-2 to anson and 3-2 to larry is a jolly good show, and taking patrice 3-zip
was good not only for his confidence, but good for anyone trying to increase
their vulgar french vocabulary.
when i heard the word “cocu!”
coming from patrice’s direction, i knew for a fact that this had nothing
to do with wooden birds appearing from a clock! now, the first person to text message me
with the exact translation of this word will win a free trip to france,
excluding flights, car rental and spending money but includes free lodgings at
my brother-in-law’s dad’s house (if he agrees)! relatives of patrice not eligible to
enter! oh là
là!
in group e, dillon
and max played for 1st place, with dillon advancing next week. paul
and kevin played for the wooden spoon. hey guys,
don’t despair. while i am
injured, i will…let you pick up my balls from the floor for me! the more practice you have at doing this,
the more points you’ll want to win!
fred and doug. what is
there left to say about you both? serve
like anson and patrice to get an advantage? catch the ball again when you serve
because you have another idea for a better serve? go back to using hardbats
like you did before the war? or
just continue enjoying being part of a unique tt club (touching moment). fred and doug, you two are ambassadors of
the club. next time you witness any
cheating going on, make sure you take notes and use it to your advantage! we call it “no player left
behind!” very
republican, huh?
who have i
forgotten? ah, matthew and miriam. matthew, i did not see much of your play
but the important thing is that you brought your lovely sister along and made
bill’s day, who commented that he enjoyed playing with her in doubles,
narrowly losing to you and michael!
tom, your rear
light needs fixing on your car, and good luck against ricky next week!
anson, you won 3
matches. wassup?
so what is this all
about?
is it about
throwing the ball over 6 inches high when serving?
is it about serving
from the palm of the hand instead of the fingers?
is it about taking
time-outs for up to a minute per person during a match?
is it about owning
up to an edge that your opponent did not see or hear?
is it about calling
a let after the point is over at 9-10 down in the fifth?
is it about
coaching from the side during play when you shouldn’t?
no, it’s all
about being part of the friendliest, most professional table tennis club i have
ever been part of, and people like bill, tom, grant, anson, lu, patrice, mark,
larry, fred, doug, ricky, michael, matthew, miriam, billy, max, paul, dylan,
madison, david, kris, and dominic who show up week after week to participate in
this incredible game, make it all worth while. let’s not forget tyler,
eric, tim, bob, lazlo
and many others i may have missed. i love being part of this club. i’m sorry to be serious for a
change. i don’t know what i
would do if i couldn’t play table tennis 5 times a week and enter all the
tournaments. it brings about new
friendships, respect for others, and a means of keeping fit and active. it’s a way of escaping the daily
routine and maintaining a competitive but respectful rivalry and spirit. i must confess i have teardrops in my
eyes as i am writing this section so i will pause while you swallow, and grab a
tissue. yes my tears are rolling down fast as i come to a close…because i
just received an e-mail from jz informing me that tenergy
rubbers are going up to $57 per rubber from 11.23.09! ricky, where did you get your paddle
from? i think i will join you! lol! “you cannot be serious!” $57!
each! whatever!
good luck to lu li
and his family. attc round robin
players - 11/18/2009
disclaimer. the above compilation was written to offend anyone who
offends easily and any complaints will not be of any concern to me or to mrs.
li who has already left for the bay area.
john “dr. evil” hanna
